This year has been a hard one.  Life happened, as it often does, and it left me with more questions than answers. I came into 24 with hope and optimism.  It was supposed to be a great year.  A half a century has passed by for me, and wisdom and understanding should have been concretely seated.  I had a plan to be fearless this year. Then life knocked me off my axis by taking away my mom. I got to spend time with her in the end, but I know she wasn’t ready to go yet, and I know that her life did not go the way she wanted it too.  She had dreams. Dreams that she did not get to see become reality. She made choices during her life and her health paid the price. I know that she wanted more, but somehow life just got off track and eventually it was too late to fix it and the dreams just became distant fantasies. 

I mourn the loss of my mother’s life, knowing that she is no longer with me, that there will be no more calls on Sunday morning, just to say a quick hello and I love you. I also mourn the loss of her dreams. Mr. Les Brown always talks about how people die with dreams within, because they never acted on them.  I don’t know the extent of my mom’s actions towards her goals, but I know that she was a great talent that could have been anything she put her mind too. She was a singer. Not just a good voice but an extraordinary songstress. I just wish she would have had the courage to follow the talent God gave her, no matter where it led. 

I think about her daily. About who she was and who she wanted to be.  I wish her life could have been all that she ever imagined. I know life was not easy for her and I sometimes wonder if she would still be with me if she had taken a different path. One that allowed her to have the life she truly wanted. 

We all wonder about the other paths not taken, if we have made the best choice for ourselves, a lot of the times we don’t know that we are even making a choice.  We are simply going down the path that life has presented to us, be it the hard road or not, it is always the easiest path when no change is required. Comfort is the enemy of progression and change is hard for everyone but most dreams can only be achieved through the hard path. 

I miss my mother. I am trying to process all my feelings of loss in the only way I know how. I want her to be my inspiration to live fully while I can.  Not to be afraid to follow my talents, regardless to where they lead.  I must remember that I exist because of her and I know that she wouldn’t want me to leave this earth with dreams inside.  I must work harder at leaving my comfort zone and challenging myself. I must continue with my fearless year, I know she would be proud.